Showing posts from January, 2016

On the final months of graduate school

When I was 22, I had three major life goals: To live and work abroad, to teach at the college level, and to get a graduate degree. By the time I was 30, I had accomplished all those things (in ways that were much different and less impressive than I'd envisioned). It's humbling to realize that at 30, you've been given everything you ever wanted out of life and then some. And that getting to that place was harder than I could have imagined. There's a dissertation defense scheduled.
I'm....more terrified than excited right now. Writing, frantically. Crying hysterically over committee comments that don't make sense. Trying to remember the importance of prayer and meditation to center myself, to remember who I am, and why I do this. Nothing about this dissertation- that once felt divinely inspired, providential, perfect- seems to reflect who I am and what I want from life anymore. Everything feels disconnected. It feels like I am the bread scattered on the waters (…


Even before I knew I was sick, I tried to be strategic in using my spoons. Sometimes this meant things like eating frozen pizza instead of cooking dinner, or limiting the number of errands I ran in a day, or trying to plan for at least one full day off a week.

Writing a dissertation takes a lot of spoons. As does living in the frozen tundra, in the winter particularly. These are things that are expected, and I don't feel bad for. But I am constantly embarrassed by the number of spoons managing my medical care takes. My GI retired in December of 2013, and I haven't seen a GI (or had any labwork done since). The thought of making a new patient appointment and shuffling  medical records halfway across the country makes me want to cry. I think I could *almost* handle it, if I didn't have to call and refill my prescription once a month.
Once a month I call my specialty pharmacy's automated line. The autorecording mispronounces my name. I say my birthday for the automated vo…