I can't remember when I heard the preposterous rumor that James Taylor's song Fire & Rain was about his girlfriend dying in a plane crash, after his friends planned a surprise trip for her to visit. Maybe it was on Snopes? I remember being baffled that anyone would even see a need to dispel such a fantastic story.
But I feel that way because the first time I heard Fire & Rain after Scott died I recognized it as the song pulsing through my blood. It's all there is to say....when your friend commits suicide, when you're wrestling with your own impulses to throw yourself into whatever takes the pain away. When you can't figure out why the rest of the world is going on as if nothing ever happened.
And even all these years later....Fire & Rain is deep underneath my skin. It's what I hear when I slow down enough to hear my heart beat.
I am a survivor, and I will always be surviving.
The horrific car wreck that left family friend "Uncle" Wade in a coma for six months.
The plane crash that killed my mother.
The Baptist church that decided my father's years of sacrifice and ministry weren't good enough for them.
My Crohn's diagnosis.
These things and a thousand other smaller losses will always be there, deep under the surface. Some days they drag me under, and I just hope that the tiny bit I *can* do is enough for the universe...that somewhere, somehow, it matters that I keep getting through things.