Monday, January 25, 2016

On the final months of graduate school

When I was 22, I had three major life goals: To live and work abroad, to teach at the college level, and to get a graduate degree. By the time I was 30, I had accomplished all those things (in ways that were much different and less impressive than I'd envisioned). It's humbling to realize that at 30, you've been given everything you ever wanted out of life and then some. And that getting to that place was harder than I could have imagined. There's a dissertation defense scheduled.
I'm....more terrified than excited right now. Writing, frantically. Crying hysterically over committee comments that don't make sense. Trying to remember the importance of prayer and meditation to center myself, to remember who I am, and why I do this. Nothing about this dissertation- that once felt divinely inspired, providential, perfect- seems to reflect who I am and what I want from life anymore. Everything feels disconnected. It feels like I am the bread scattered on the waters (Ecclesiastes 11:1) and I wonder when, or if, I'll find myself gathered back together again.

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